The Sumo Emperor: Fit for a King
Your new royal furniture has arrived, Your Laziness.
For the third time in history, the good folks at Sumo sent me their latest plush beanbag furniture, this time the Sumo Emperor. I say “furniture” because the Emperor is more than a chair, it’s a living room centerpiece, and it’s not going to be dragged out of sight easily (it’s heavy) or willingly (it’s too comfortable). Also, although I questioned the use of “good folks” in my last article about the Sumo Sway Couple, I can safely say that anyone willing to provide three pieces of top quality furniture over the course of six years must be “good folks,” even if their favorite food is kale (not a known fact).
The first thing you’ll experience with the Emperor is what is known as “The Big Red Bang,” in which your initial unwrapping of the plastic results in a rapid expansion of microsuede. If the full size of the Emperor comes as a surprise, then you’ll know you’ve received the right product; yes, it’s a whopping 55″ in diameter by 25″ tall. For those of you math-challenged loungers, that’s a giant 4-foot-plus(h) wheel of cushion. Of course, if this thing started as a big bang, the end result was an implosion, because the center of the Emperor is like falling into the largest, softest belly button you’ve ever actually wanted to sink down into (I don’t know how many comically oversized belly buttons you’ve seen, and I won’t ask). Similarly, you also may find some lint in it occasionally.
Sitting in the Emperor has the effect of inducing a nap. I think this is because any edge makes a good head pillow, and you kind of have to curl up in the fetal position to lie completely on it (unless you’re 5 feet tall or less, or you’ve lost your legs in a fortunate accident). For this reason, and because the deep butt position makes it tough to sit up, I’m recommending the Emperor for activities such as reading a book, snoozing midday, tossing a small child above your head, lounging with your dog, playing a video game on your ceiling, sharing a consensual moment with a significant other, or diving into from a bed. For things like watching a movie on a TV, or having a conversation necessitating direct eye contact (i.e. breaking up with your gf), I still prefer the Sumo Sway (she probably won’t prefer it after that). And for things like cushioning the fall of your fattest friend from the roof, or holding a canine hot dog eating contest complete with messy condiments, the original Sumo Omni made of durable, rip-proof nylon is still your best bet (also the cheapest of the three).
The Sumo Emperor comes in self-described “fiery red,” an accurate depiction of the richness of color, not a literal interpretation of either the heat or flammability of the fabric. There’s plenty of support, and it holds its shape well, a welcome consistency in the world of cheap and underfilled beanbag chairs. The microsuede cover can also be unzipped and washed, a bonus that I like knowing, but probably couldn’t be dared to actually attempt (it’s okay, I’m a pro spot cleaner, and the biggest mess I plan on making is a microspill).
Overall, it’s safe to say you’re going to feel like a royal piece of work on this thing.